Consider the Third Difficulty, making this a way of life. You might ask yourself: “What is this, that I am invited to make a way of life?”
- Perhaps this is the first two difficulties, seeing neurosis as neurosis and trying something different.
- Or maybe this is a cycle of awareness, action and reflection represented by the above?
- Could this be developing new patterns of thought, speech and action, that serve life rather than ego?
However I define this, here are some helpful pointers on the path of making this a way of life.
Aspiration and Reflection
Slogan 40 tells us about two activities, one at the beginning and one at the end. With the first activity, at the beginning of the day, I connect with my aspiration for the day. The aspiration expresses my wish for how to experience the day and usually begins with “may I…” (contrast this with an affirmation, which usually begins with “I am…”). For example:
- May I experience whatever arises as just what is happening, free from grasping, rejecting or ignoring.
- May I remember to find gentleness and patience for my partner when we interact.
- May I be present to my direct experience, letting go of attachment to story and feeling what I’m feeling.
The second activity comes at the end of the day, when I reflect on my aspiration and my experience since connecting with it; for example:
- Was I able to remain free from grasping, rejecting and ignoring?
- Did I completely forget about gentleness and patience for my partner?
- Were there moments of presence, as well as moments of distraction?
This practice of reflection has the potential to include self-criticism or a sense of “doing it right or wrong.” This is also an opportunity to practice patience and unconditional friendliness, described below.
Patience
Patience is many-faceted. It could mean keeping calm in the face of distraction and stimulation. It could mean being willing and able to wait for something that I really want right now. It could mean refraining from giving in to habitual reactions to anger, frustration, jealousy or other challenging emotions. It could also mean meeting my habitual pattern, for the umpteenth time, without criticizing myself, giving in to despair or giving up on the whole idea of trying something different.
Patience is learned at the pace of life. It arises at its own speed and does not necessarily develop in a linear manner. Perhaps one day I will be reflecting on the past and realize, “Wow! I was much more patient today than I was in the same situation last year!”
Can you also be patient when you realize, “Ugh. I was much less patient today than I was in the same situation last year”?
Unconditional Friendliness
A helpful companion in the cultivation of patience is unconditional friendliness. This quality supports me in viewing myself with grace and gentleness, even when my thoughts tell me that I’m doing it all wrong and that I’ll never get it right. Unconditional friendliness helps me learn to greet those familiar old friends, my habitual patterns, whenever they show up.
- “There you are again!”
- “Aha, I wondered when you would arrive!”
- “There it is.”
The more gentleness I can offer to myself, the more likely I am to offer it to others. Likewise patience and presence.
“Just This Bite”
If I find myself struggling to connect with patience or unconditional friendliness, perhaps it is better to just aspire to presence. “May I be present to each moment, just as it is.” This can also be a challenge, as the distractions of moment after moment pile up and I’m suddenly consumed by my thoughts, feelings and impulses.
One helpful antidote to “presence overwhelm” is the practice of just this bite. Here’s how it works:
- When eating, before I take a bite, I think “may I be present to just this bite.”
- I do my best to be completely present to the direct experience of this bite: the texture and taste of the food, the experience of swallowing, all that goes into this action free from thoughts and concepts about it.
- Then I take another bite and think, “may I be present to just this bite.”
- Repeat.
This practice is useful for other small actions as well:
- Just this breath…
- Just this step…
- Just this drink…
P, G, LB, LG
This framework was offered as meditation instruction by Pema Chödrön, originally consisting of precision, gentleness and letting go. I learned this expanded form from Acharya Dale Asrael, head of Meditation Instruction for Naropa University.
- Precision: The quality of acting in alignment with my intentions and values, or following the basic instructions. Naturally we all aspire to do this.
- Gentleness: The quality of maintaining friendliness for myself, giving myself a break, when I find my actions are not aligning with my intentions and values.
- Letting Be: Sometimes I find that I am unable to hold either precision in my actions or gentleness for myself when I act out of alignment with my values. In these moments, I can just let the experience be what it is, dropping the story line and feeling what I’m feeling.
- Letting Go: This is a result that sometimes occurs on its own. In my experience, it is not something that I can “do.” Or, as I once heard, “in the whole history of letting go, nobody has ever found it easier to let go by being told to let go.” Once in a while, I might find myself in the familiar place of having acted habitually and being unable to find gentleness for myself. I am just sitting there, being with the direct experience of frustration, anger, shame, whatever. Suddenly, the whole thing evaporates and it’s like the sun just came out from behind a cloud. This is letting go.