18. Don’t transfer the ox’s load to the cow.

In this slogan, the “ox” is you and the “cow” is anyone else. It’s telling me to refrain from “passing the buck” when I am confronted with a task or responsibility that I might find unpleasant or unappealing. On another level, the slogan encourages us to take responsibility for the quality of our own experience and to do our own work. I can’t take responsibility for anyone else, nor can anyone else take responsibility for me.

What does it mean to “take responsibility for the quality of another person’s experience”? Let’s imagine my friend’s mother just died and my friend is grieving. Every time we are together, I am very aware of her suffering. Perhaps I feel uncomfortable with her tears, or helpless because I don’t know what to say. What do I do? Maybe I sympathize with her, comfort her, or downplay her experience. I might even try to distract her from her grief. My motivation, consciously or not, comes from the belief that I need to do something – anything – in order to make her feel better. This impulse, when put into action, means I am trying to take responsibility for the quality of her experience.

Acting on this impulse to help someone else feel better perpetuates a common pattern that impacts both me and the other person. To reveal this pattern, I need only ask myself, “Whose discomfort am I trying to relieve?” It’s probably my own! Trying to make my friend feel better rather than being curious about my own discomfort, I lose the opportunity to get to know a vulnerable part of myself better. This action also impacts my friend. When I intervene in her process, I take away her opportunity to relate directly with the raw experience of grief and loss as it is manifesting in the present moment.

So what can I really do? Perhaps nothing. Can I just be present with my friend, with her tears and sadness and loss? Can I just be present with myself and my discomfort, “sitting in the mess” of the present moment? Try it sometime. Remember that the present moment, which is all we really have, is fleeting and impermanent. My experience will probably change soon anyway.

Another application of this slogan is what I call the “Fourth Difficulty.” As previously described, the Three Difficulties are about recognizing my own habitual patterns, trying something different and making this a way of life. What if I notice someone else’s habitual patterns? This presents the Fourth Difficulty: I must decide whether or not to point out the pattern to the other person. It’s a good opportunity to remind myself whose experience I’m responsible for…

11.2025